I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
