i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
