I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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