well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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