I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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