my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
What a dumb baby whore.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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