Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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