For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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