There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
