I haven't been this sober since birth.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.