I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week