I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
