I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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