I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
