just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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