I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
