just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize