i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
