i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
