Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
