The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
