True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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