I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
