you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
