I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
