I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
