Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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