He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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