remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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