just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
