you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
