I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can you bring me the toilet please
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
