and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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