She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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