HIV tests are more positive than that guy
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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