Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
