My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
