it wasn't lemon gatorade
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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