it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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