I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
