Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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