I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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