You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
