I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
