I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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