I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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