i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
