my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
