god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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