So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
