3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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