In the future we'll all be gay
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
