you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
