You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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